Coming Out Story 1

I would like to dedicate my story to those of you who are struggling very much with the idea of coming out. Especially those of you who have a feeling of being gay, but believe you don't have any other characteristics to think your part of the whole Gay/Lesbian group.

First, I just need to say that I do not consider myself to be, and please forgive me to use this term "stereotypically gay." Sometimes I find this the hardest thing to deal with, but I sometimes believe it's the best thing as well. I enjoy working outdoors, working on trucks or cars, and playing sports just like a lot of guys do. But I also have the one and only quality necessary for being gay. That would be simply that I prefer guys to girls.

I come from a family of four. My parents are in their forties, my sister is 24 and I am 22. My main interests are sports, music and computers. Most people always mistake me for a football player, but I have never played. Track is the only sport in high school I participated in, although my favorite sport is hockey.

I guess my story begins back in 1995 in sixth grade. That is about a year after the time when I learned all about the way parents have children and all that. So, my mind was full of ideas about that and nothing else because they didn't teach us that there was any other way of being. I guess I had an uncertain year in sixth grade all around because it was my first year in a new school. Then one day I saw someone new to my class, and I simply thought to myself, "I want to get to know this guy." It was purely an emotional thing. So I spent a very long time trying to get to know him better. I never really did. I guess I was too scared to do anything. No one ever told me about what I was going through and in seventh grade is when all the negative homophobic words came into play. Like many others, I was convinced that being who I was, even though I didn't know it at the time, was the wrong way of thinking. That is the flaw in our society right there. We are told that part of our personality is wrong. Something we cannot change. Eighth grade is when I really discovered my physical feelings for other guys. I'm not afraid to tell you when that happened I was scared sh—less. Again, it was because I was taught that was wrong and sinful. My family and many teachers have raised me to be a "regular heterosexual." But I have grown up to be a "regular homosexual."

There are many people who try to be straight even though they are not. Also, at one time even medical practices were done to try to convert people from homosexuality to heterosexuality. This is not done anymore for the fact at how useless it is. It is similar trying to convert a left-handed person to being right-handed. It is pointless, unhealthy, useless and just about as ludicrous.

At some point in high school, I think my unconscious told myself that I was gay, but I never really admitted it to myself. I always thought I'd find out I was special. I thought I would find that I could see the positive qualities in people and not so much the negative ones. I guess to a certain degree, that's true. Maybe for many people.

When I started college, my life began to turn upside down! With the exception of 9/11, my first semester went by pretty smoothly actually. The second semester had really been a roller coaster. The first thing that was really hard for me was dropping a class. Walking up to my professor's office to say that I would no longer be taking the class was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I guess it was maybe a week or two later that I was in sitting next to a guy in one of my classes and I had one of the most intense feelings I ever had in my life. One of the feelings was that I liked this guy, but the other felt like a bucket of ice water being tossed all over me. It was really a moment of realization that was telling me I needed to evaluate where I was in my life.

So I stayed by my cousin that weekend to do just that. I didn't share with him anything that I was going through. I just thought to myself. All through the weekend I just kept hearing this voice in my mind saying, "Come on, look at yourself, do you want to pretend your happy all your life? Come on, take a chance, take a risk, what do have to lose?" At that was just it. What did I have to lose? Nothing. Absolutely nothing! It was then that I knew that I was really gay and there was nothing I could do about it. Nothing. So I decided right then that it was time to stop misleading myself and instead start believing in myself. And believe me, this is can be a very long process. I made the biggest step at that moment however, when I came out to myself. I actually said to myself, "I am gay." And how odd it sounded to use that phrase "I am gay." But you really can't deny part of yourself. No matter how much you may seem to be against it. Running or hiding from it may help for a little while, but it really wouldn't matter. I am not straight. I am gay. That's what I am, and that's what I'll always be.

So, there I was. I faced my fear and admitted to myself that I would never be who everyone in my life has expected me to be. The first thing I wanted to do was find stories about others like me. I have read tons and tons of stories at comingstories.com. They helped me quite a bit. I would also especially like to thank Corey Johnson. I have always looked to him with total confidence. I don't know anyone braver in terms of coming out than him.

At a hockey game in March, I was sitting down in the lobby looking kind of tired, and I must have really been out of it because the cop that was there saw me and thought I was either drinking or high. I don't use any drugs or drink at all. I was just so lost in thought trying to evaluate where I was in my life because it was the same week that I came out to myself. That was the lowest day of the year for me. Later that night I e-mailed Corey Johnson. The only gay person I knew a lot about at the time. I told him about me. I wrote about what I was going through and how proud I was of him for the decisions he made to tell his team and his school. My hands were literally shaking as I was typing out the letter I sent him.

Corey has talked to literally hundreds of gay people like myself so I knew I there was a chance I wouldn't be getting a response, but I did. He only dropped me a line or two, but it was enough to make me see how I needed to continue the journey I had started. I will forever be indebted to him. If you would like to read more of Corey's incredible journey, you can search for his story online.

After much thinking and chatting with my friends online, I decided I wanted to tell my sister. I remember practicing what I was going to tell her. I didn't want to sound like I didn't know what I was talking about. So, a couple weeks later in the middle of March, I traveled to Madison to tell her. I made the excuse that I wanted to go shopping. And she was prepared to do that. For most of the day, I would look at her and pretend to tell her in my mind so I could build up my confidence for when I would really do it later.

Later that night, the moment came. It took a few minutes of hesitation, but I finally began what I came to tell her. I said, "There's something important that I want to tell you. I have always been honest with you. Always. Except for one thing. And when I tell you what that one thing is, I hope you'll understand. I think I should just tell you this as simply and as honestly as I can." Then I hesitated. But she assured me that I could tell her anything. So I took a deep breath squinted my eyes shut and said it. "I'm gay."

She just looked at me for maybe fifteen seconds and with a very puzzled expression on her face. Then she said one of the worst possible things a coming-out guy wants to hear. She asked me, "Are you sure? How do you know?" I was scared half to death already and I was too terrified to really answer, so like an idiot, I let her come up with her own answer. She thought it was because I haven't had much success with women and that the idea would lead me to believe that I'm gay. But that is totally wrong because I don't pursue women since I have no reason to. Finally, after we went for a long walk, I found the strength to say to her, "I will accept the possibility that you're right, if you accept the possibility that I'm Bi." I just could not find enough strength to use the word gay again. I guess we kind of ended our visit on that note. I left her on good terms though, but I don't believe that she believes the truth about me. It was definitely a weird feeling on the way home. Part of me wanted to feel like a moron for telling her, but the other part said that I should be proud of myself for taking such a big step, even though I didn't really succeed. So I decided to rest for a while. We haven't talked about the issue since that one time.

I went back to school and nothing really happened for a couple of weeks. I didn't know of anyone gay on my campus. Although I know there are many that are out and even many more like me that are not. I made the decision that I needed to find someone that was like me on campus, if for no other reason then to prove to myself that I was not alone. I didn't actively pursue that, however. One day I was reading the school newspaper, something I do on a regular basis. I couldn't believe my eyes. I was reading an article in which there was someone discussing gay adoption and his difficulties dealing with his own life. Wow. Someone had come out to my campus on a public level. I told myself, I got to meet this guy, but I don't want him to know who I am. Call it the paranoia of suspicious mind. So I created a created an e-mail account that had no reference to my real name. I sent him a letter that explained some of the things I had been through. I told him that I wanted to chat with him, but I didn't want to tell him my real name yet. I wanted to take it one step at a tine. So, I sent the e-mail late Friday night without knowing that I actually really had my name on the e-mail. And then it hits. I looked at my sent mail and my real name was right on there! Oh, did I panic. I panicked for maybe ten minutes before I sent him another e-mail asking him not to tell anyone else about me. I told him, "I guess I'm putting my faith in you." And I was. I had no idea what was going to happen. I was just praying that he would e-mail me back really soon. I filled the late evening watching Lois and Clark. I had been watching the episode were Clark tells Lois that he had been leading a double life. I enjoy that episode very much for obvious reasons. I admire his confidence when he tells Lois about himself.

After watching two hours of that show, I checked my computer and found that he had replied. He wrote the title with the four nicest words in the dictionary. "You have a friend." He talked about himself and told me he's been through everything and would be really surprised if he found anyone who has been through more than he has. He told me that I could count on him when I would need a friend. Later, the next day I chatted with him online. It was the longest chat I ever had in my life. And then I did something really daring. I actually summoned the nerve to go see him. I had put faith in the driver seat when I was walking to his room over in 3M. I finally had proof that I was not alone. We watched a movie and talked about various things for a while. Then, when I left he told me that he would be there for me. I greatly appreciated that even though we have a difference of opinion once in a while. Nevertheless, we had a lot in common. All of us do. Whether you're straight or not. Everyone has a lot in common where it really counts.

No one would ever expect me to be gay, which has made it very hard for me to come out with it. The only thing that people could see that could possibly show them is my lack of interest in girls. I never once went to homecoming in high school, and I never went to prom either. I never even went on a date with a girl. I don't think it is right to use others to hide part of your personality, although many guys do.

So, here I am. I have come very far in a few short months, but I still have a long way to go. One night, I was talking with one of my friends, and he actually told me that he didn't mind gays. I'm glad to have heard that from him. Even though I didn't tell him I was gay, the conversation we had was begging for me to do so. I may find the strength to tell him very soon. God knows I've waited long enough. I just need to be able to tell him that I am sure and why. That was the mistake I made with my sister.

Finally, I just want to tell all of you on our campus who find yourselves just as I am to hang in there. I am just like you. Don't ever feel like you have no one to go to. You are not alone. There is no set limit on how butch or femme one is when you are gay, absolutely none. Please don't be scared by all the bad things you here about gay people as well. Many of them tend to be one-sided viewpoints. If you need some inspiration, there are several songs that I listen to when I need something to get me through my day. I suggest you look up the songs: Please don't be Scared, If I can Dream, I made it through the rain, and All the Time. When it comes to these songs, truer words were never spoken in music.

I want to thank all of you who have gotten through my coming out story. I would love to chat with any of you who needs buddy to talk to. If you have advice for me as well, I would surely love to hear it. My e-mail address is kuetmr@snc.edu. I'll leave you now with the words the first guy I contacted online about me being gay told me. "Best of luck as you fight your way to the surface and finally get a breath of air."

Take care and all the best.