In Pursuit of Fashion

How Deadly is Your Clothing Life?! Count up the points to find out!

What is your favorite color?

1. Bright arsenic green (5 pts)
2. Pure swansdown white lead (5 pts)
3. The black of kohl eyeliner (2 pts)
4. Beige. Safe, boring beige. (0 pts)

Let’s take a look in your closet. Can you see any of these?

1. Giveaway commemorative T-shirts. Did you know those are made cheaply by unprotected workers? (5 points)
2. Pre-owned leather clothing. You saved yourself $$$ and, too, spared the environment the damage associated with extensive rearing of livestock. (0 pts)
3. Garments made from organic cotton. Congratulations on boycotting the harmful manufacturing process for the non-organic kind! (0 points)
4. Quality pieces neatly darned, mended or repurposed. The planet thanks you, and you your score actually went down!! (-5 pts)

Give yourself 5 points for each one of these objects you own:

1. At-home tattoo kit for convenient, unsanitary inking.
2. Platform shoes so high your beehive hairdo brushes the ceiling tiles.
3. “Tho-Radia” radium infused makeup, for that youthful glow.
4. Dr. Who Scarf: a Time Lord choking hazard.

How do you look so young?

1. Belladonna eyedrops for perfect pupil dilation. (5 pts)
2. My Vatermorder, a detachable collar that keeps my neck tall and stiff (5 pts)
3. My hourglass figure, provided by the tightest of steel-boned corsets (5 pts)
4. Healthy eating, exercise, enough sleep and moisturizing. (A safe, boring 0 pts)

What is your occupation?

1. 19 th century Hatmaker. I only use the finest mercury, even though I have gone mad! (5 pts)
   b. Artificial flower maker. I only use the best arsenic for the brightest greens, even though I have anemia and terrible headaches! (5 pts)
   c. Queen Elizabeth I impersonator. I only use the most authentic white lead face makeup, even though I have lost my hair! (5 pts)
   d. Hoop skirt model. I only show the widest of skirts, even though I haven’t seen my feet in 3 years! (3 pts)

The results
If your score is:

40+ pts – You are obviously the most stylish person in the room. Please consult a doctor immediately.
30-39 pts – You are quite the fashion plate! Wash your face and take a nap.
15-29 pts – You aren’t the best dressed at the party, but at least you might survive.
1-14 pts – Fashion isn’t really your thing, but neither is being poisoned.
0 pts – You lead a life of nice safe cardigans and sensible shoes.